How Purity Culture Warped My View of Intimacy—And What I’ve Learned Since
Purity culture impacted my views on intimacy in ways I didn’t fully understand until I was already in a committed relationship with my now-husband. Unlike many stories I’ve heard, where people regret waiting until marriage or struggle deeply with their sexuality, my experience was different—but still complicated.
When my husband and I were dating, we made the decision to wait until marriage to be physically intimate. Before we knew each other, however, we both had a history of physical intimacy with other partners. But for me, I made a personal decision to not have a physical relationship for five years after my last relationship and before getting married. And honestly, my reasons for doing so extended beyond just faith. There is something to be said—something very powerful—about not offering your body to just anyone, even if you do feel physically attracted to them. I strongly believe that because sex is such a powerful act, not everyone deserves to have that experience with you.
There was always this looming cloud of anxiety—this heavy pressure to make sure we didn’t “mess up.” And I hate that term, messing up, because what does that even mean? Attraction to someone is normal. Wanting physical intimacy is normal. It’s literally how we were designed. So why were we taught to believe that even feeling those desires was dangerous?
Purity culture ingrained in us that sexual attraction before marriage wasn’t just something to be mindful of—it was something to fear. And because we’re human, we did experience those feelings. And when we did, we would beat ourselves up for it, even though we weren’t doing anything wrong. That’s what purity culture does: it plants this belief that even the thought of sexual intimacy before marriage is a moral failure. That even if you “wait,” you should still feel guilty for having wanted it in the first place.
How Purity Culture Warps Marriages
Beyond my own experience, I’ve seen how purity culture has created major struggles for married couples—especially for women.
Women who were raised to “save themselves” for marriage are often left with no real understanding of how their bodies work, how intimacy should feel, or how to connect with their spouse physically without shame creeping in.
Something was shared with me that I found incredibly interesting—yet heartbreaking. Many women (and even men) who grew up under purity culture restrictions don’t even know how their bodies should feel when it comes to physical intimacy. They weren’t just taught to avoid sex—they were also left without any real education about their own bodies. Many women who grew up being told to “save themselves” never learned about pleasure, anatomy, or even what an orgasm should feel like. And because they were taught that sex is for marriage only, they never explored or understood their bodies before stepping into a lifelong commitment where sex was suddenly “allowed.” Imagine going into marriage completely unaware of how your body should function, with the expectation that sex will magically be this amazing, fulfilling experience right away. For so many women raised in this arena, that just wasn’t the case….and still isnt the case even after years of being married.
And then there’s the messaging about men and sex. In Christian spaces, it is constantly said in some waym shape, or form, that men will always want sex. That they have little to no control over themselves. That a husband will always pursue his wife sexually. But what happens when that doesn’t happen?
What happens when the husband struggles with performance issues? What happens when the wife—who has been told her whole life that she will be wanted—doesn’t feel desired? What if the husband or the wife falls into a pornography addiction (hidden or not)? Many Christian communities fail to acknowledge how destructive porn addiction can be, not just in marriages, but in how people view physical intimacy as a whole. Porn is scientifically proven to rewire the brain, creating unhealthy and unrealistic expectations for intimacy, reducing attraction to a real-life partner, and even leading to erectile dysfunction in men. It distorts connection, making sex feel more transactional rather than a deeply shared experience between two people. Purity Culture also magnifies men being the ones addicted to porn. But what happens when it's the woman who struggles with pornography? In church spaces, there are rarely—if any—conversations led by women addressing this issue. Yet, studies have shown that when women develop a porn addiction, they are often drawn to woman-based pornography—not because they are sexually attracted to other women, but because they are seeking gentleness, intentionality, and emotional depth—things they may not be receiving from their male partner. And when this isn’t talked about, it can create a deep sense of shame. You start to wonder, Why don’t I feel physically attracted to my partner right now? Is something wrong with me? With us? In spaces where we’re taught that attraction should always be present, there’s little room to acknowledge the natural ebb and flow of desire. Instead of recognizing it as a normal part of relationships, you might feel afraid to bring it up—worried that you’ll be judged or that it will send the wrong message, as if a temporary dip in attraction means you no longer want to be with your partner. But the truth is, attraction shifts for so many reasons, and silence around this only isolates people in unnecessary guilt and confusion.
Another aspect that’s rarely talked about—especially in church spaces—is that there will naturally be seasons where you might not feel physically attracted to your partner. There’s often an unrealistic expectation that attraction should always be constant, in every way, but that’s just not the reality for many people. Relationships go through ebbs and flows, and physical attraction can be influenced by emotional connection, personal growth, life stressors, and so much more. Ignoring this reality can make people feel like something is “wrong” when, in truth, it’s just part of being human.
And when this isn’t talked about, it can create a deep sense of shame. You start to wonder, Why don’t I feel physically attracted to my partner right now? Is something wrong with me? With us? In spaces where we’re taught that attraction should always be present, there’s little room to acknowledge the natural ebb and flow of desire. Instead of recognizing it as a normal part of relationships, you might feel afraid to bring it up—worried that you’ll be judged or that it will send the wrong message, as if a temporary dip in attraction means you no longer want to be with your partner. But the truth is, attraction shifts for so many reasons, and silence around this only isolates people in unnecessary guilt and confusion.
Rejection arises. Insecurity settles in. Women start questioning their worth, their attractiveness, their desirability. But the reality is, these are real-life scenarios that can happen in any marriage. And purity culture never prepared us for any of them.
We were never taught that physical intimacy in marriage isn’t always easy. We were never taught about real issues like porn addiction, past traumas, or even just the reality that sometimes, sex will be rare or even nonexistent in some seasons of life.
Instead, we were taught a dangerous, oversimplified formula:
If you wait until marriage, sex will be perfect.
Your husband will always want you.
You will always be enough.
But life is so much more nuanced than that.
Reclaiming Physical Intimacy
We’ve come to realize that so many of the insecurities and struggles people face with sex—especially within Christian marriages—stem from the shame that was deeply ingrained in us through purity culture.
Shame that makes us feel broken if we struggle with intimacy.
Shame that makes us question if it’s wrong to desire connection.
Shame that keeps us from addressing past traumas.
That’s why healing is so important. If you’re wrestling with intimacy challenges, know that you’re not alone—many of us have been there too. It’s easy to feel like this is just the way things are, but we don’t have to settle. We can work toward healing, toward understanding ourselves and our partners in a way that feels safe, loving, and connected.
At the end of the day, intimacy was meant to be something we can fully embrace with our spouse. It’s not just about physical connection—it’s about emotional closeness, about feeling seen and safe. And beyond that, it’s proven to have real benefits for our mental and emotional well-being.
If purity culture has left you feeling broken, ashamed, or disconnected, know that there’s healing on the other side. We don’t have to carry that weight forever. We deserve to experience intimacy in the way it was meant to be: without shame, without fear, and with full, unapologetic joy.
Lastly, talk about this stuff. Find someone safe and open up about these often, hidden struggles. The truth that you free, I promise you speaking on these will bring you peace and freedom that you’re missing.
